Update of my life

OK so my mind is constantly worrying about sooooo many things. I know I shouldn’t worry and i always tell others not to, but i some how always do. I worry about my relationship with chase and where it might take us in the future. I worry I will be lied to and that he will some how tell me he doesn’t love me. Sometimes it feels like he doesn’t. I feel like he cares and worries about the stupid stuff. Like saving money or buying property and earning money from the whole real estate and property thing. I wish he would look forward to us. Who cares about a house or the money you make from the location or whatever, i care about the people that make a house called home. Who cares about the diet and the physique you have when the person already loves you for you. I wish I was on the top of his list sometimes; instead he keeps me at the top of his negative things to do list. It sucks I hate feeling like I rely on him, Do you think I like feeling like I have to ask him for everything? I wish I could be a little more independent, so there would be one less reason for him to bitch about. I still cant believe what he did for a whole straight month, every fucking day. text text. I got school...call call call. what else did i not know about???? If someone could lie to my face and than break a promise for over a month everyday, I really don’t see how there will be any honesty left in them. I know I fucked up, like 6 months ago, but everyone should know 2 wrongs don’t make a right, and if someone loved me, they wouldn’t want to jeopardize our relationship after we've been trying to rebuild it and things have been ok. I feel cheated and lied too. Sometimes I try to understand why? am I not good enough?? and deep down, I know I'm not. at least not for chase. over all the fights, he has said some outrageous mean things about me. it's like WOW; i never knew out of all the people in the world, u would say such a thing. I feel like our relationship keeps getting worse and worse. I don’t want to care anymore, i wish i wasn’t with him sometimes, i feel like i don’t even know him sometimes. His temper is crazy and he gets mad over everything, sometimes i just want to scream and say "it’s not the end of the fuckin world!" I mean, he can lose hundreds of dollars in one day, but when he loses me in target for 15 minutes, all hell breaks lose, and he gets into a shit fit and calls me a cunt. do i deserve this???? I would rather be alone then have someone use me as a punching bag and call me the worst names in the book. I never met someone who could be so mean in a split second because of their temper. i have become more familiar with the words "i hate you" it's become part of my vocabulary. I’m so stressed out over school, i just want to do well, and prove everyone wrong. I know I’m not stupid but somehow everyone thinks i am, including chase. but i don’t care because i know I’m not and if i am, then so be it. It hasn’t stopped me from anything I’ve wanted to do in my life. but I’m constantly worrying about falling behind. sometimes, i worry about myself. I’m so sensitive. I’m so weak at times. I have low self esteem, and this has been the point where I’m at my lowest. I don’t think i can be happy anymore. i try and try but something always ruins it. I have lost touch with my family. i miss them, but of course people like chase love to make my life worse by saying comments like "your mom doesn’t even call you" thanks chase, thanks for the huge slap in the face. thanks for all of the put downs and for all the time you have cheered me up and made me happy...oh wait i cant remember the last time. i don’t want to hear about my flaws, i don’t want to know what you don’t like about me, i don’t want to hear the put downs and the negatives in my life or how u think I am the worse person. i just want a friend, someone to be there for me, someone who knows how to talk and listen and really relate and be there for me. I want someone to comfort me and hold me and cuddle with me in bed. i want someone who would love to pay attention to me instead of a monitor or TV screen. i want to be someone’s number one hobby. i want to be important to someone. i want someone to do sweet thoughtful things like the way i do for them. i really wish i could spend a lot of money on a gift that doesn’t take any effort to put together, and then get upset with the person and break it in front of them. I am sick of being sad and I am sick of not having anybody who understands to talk to. I am sick of not having a friend and I am sick of my gambling addicted, bad temper having, always thinks he's right, big headed boyfriend. if anyone began to crack this relationship, it was me but chase broke it and then crushed it. its time to get off your moms nipple and start sucking on mine. yup i know what your thinking....by this point you are pissed off and now that i said the word "mom" u want to kill me. but this has nothing to do with your mom, its you. so get over it. and not everything has to be sexual with me; it was just a great example. You’re not the bad guy. it takes two to tango. but this is just how i feel. i have to talk to someone. if i ever get pregnant, i will sock you in the stomach for all the times u have put your hands on me and hurt me that way you wont be able to sock me back , but knowing you, you would probably just sock me in the face. lol. that was just a joke. i don’t think we will ever have kids. not any time soon at least. well I am going to get back to my horrible life. i will hope and pray for the best. i will also hope that my boyfriend grows some balls and starts to act like a big boy. I really do love you chase, with all my heart and I want to make things work. I want us to be happy and I don’t think we will survive if you aren’t motivated at all. I just want to be your number one priority, because you are mine. I love you please don’t be mad or sad by this. You are a great boyfriend when you want to be. Thanks for the great things you have done for me. I love you no matter what happens between us.